How to Survive a Nigerian December
By Great Opara
25th December, 2018
25th December, 2018
Eleven months ago you were probably ecstatic and overjoyed at the prospect of the New Year, with all your plans and resolutions and now here you are. Despite the many bad things that came for you in 2018, you have survived. You deserve an award! Unfortunately, you will not be getting one. What you will be getting instead is Nigeria’s last attempt to truncate your hustle and capsize your destiny this year. And I, as a concerned Nigerian, am here to make sure this attempt is defeated. Let us begin.
C is for cowries. aka money. The top downloaded tune this Christmas period is ‘Jingle-bills Jingle-bills, Jingle all the way.’ As you jingle away your bills this detty December, try to remember that January 2019 will last longer than the longest winter the seven kingdoms ever saw. Please be guided.
H is for humans. As in, humans of New York. Or humans of Lagos. Yeah something like that. You know those humans that cause you pain and heartache, deep in your chest you know them. If you have not avoided them all 2018 then start now please. And if you have, keep up the good work. You are almost there.
R is for rice. I understand that sometimes to get the rice, you must confront the human you’re avoiding. Hm I get I get. But still! It is in your best interest to chase the mountains of tasty, hot rice that December will surely bring. It is also in these interests to continue avoiding ‘H’ at the same time. Do it if you can. And if you cannot, then embarrass yourself with the rice. Eat till you faint!
I is for internet. Do I really need to explain this one? Like really? For the sake of your mental health do not go anywhere lacking a strong internet connection. Am I asking you not to go to your village? Do the math. But last last na you get yourself, all I can do is counsel.
S is for sex. I’ll keep this one simple. Can you afford it? Mentally? Physically? Financially? Even environmentally? You can? Then fire on mazi Cletus! More rounds to your shakabulah You cannot afford it? Sorry about that. 2019 December go come, no worry.
T is for time. Your city will be overrun with traffic this period, including the ones who took my advice above and won’t be travelling anymore because of ‘H’ and ‘I’. No wahala I got you. All you have to do is stick to time. Stick to time religiously please. If I tell you my wedding begins at 7am then be in the church at six-thirty motherfucker. Think about it for a minute. If you are not in an unnecessary hurry, you won’t need to be driving like Dominic Toretto. Negligent driving, along with bad roads, is still the major cause of all road accidents in Nigeria, especially during this period. Thanks for listening.
M is for money. ‘Sir! Sir! But you just told us that ‘C’ is also money’. And so? Do you want to argue with money? Did they forbid millions in your life? I reject it for you!
A is for arise o compatriots. It is also in your best interests to continue keeping our country Nigeria in your ‘thoughts and prayers’ this Christmas period, especially if you know your Canada plans cannot realistically be achieved before December 2019. Elections are in February. Ask yourself what your favourite candidate honestly has to offer Nigerians. Our mumu don do abeg!
S is for helper. Sorry sugar mummy. Sorry saviour. Yes that is what ‘S’ stands for. A rescuer. Someone to save you. The times are hard and we could all use a little help along the way. Give
where you can, receive where it is honestly given. And be kind in all that you say and do. But again, last last na you get yourself, all I can do is counsel.
That’s all for now brethren. Follow this guide and may detty December bring you all the joy, happiness and money you truly deserve. Able what? Able God!